Dream

I had a dream last night... It wasn't really the best dream but I wanted to document it. I had a dream that one day when I was 36 weeks pregnant (during this pregnancy), I didn't feel the baby move very much. So I went to the ER at the hospital and I was preparing myself for them to tell me they couldn't find a heartbeat. I was crying, and then they told me that the baby's heart was beating but was very faint. I cried a lot of tears of relief when they told me that. Then they said I needed an emergency C-Section immediately. They got me prepped and the doctor on call (a stranger) did my C-Section and delivered my baby. I hadn't known if it were a girl or boy at this point and it was a little boy. He had plenty of blonde hair and was tiny, but healthy. My baby had lived.

I sure hope this isn't a preview of things to come. I mean, at least my baby lives and is a cute little boy but I sure hope that we don't have to go through a scare like this. I think it is weird that I had a dream like this but it obviously shows how much I am constantly worrying about this baby. Even subconsciously too I guess. This is the first dream I have every had with any of my kids that had the sex of my baby while pregnant. Maybe this dream was telling me I am going to have a little boy again... he was SO cute and I wish that sweet baby from my dream was here with me right now. But alas, I will have to wait six more months. Six more months to find out how the dream really ends.

I can't believe it has been almost 6 months...

I can't believe it has been almost 6 months since we said hello and goodbye to our sweet little son. It seems like it was a long time ago, yet I can relive the experience at any moment like it happened yesterday. I think about Bridger every single day. Being pregnant has kept me out of the mood to update my blogs, but sometimes I just have to do something tangible to express my love for Bridger. So here is a post today to let him know I love him and am always thinking about him.

Immediately after we lost Bridger I knew I wanted and NEEDED to have another baby soon. I have always loved babies and kids and was so excited to have TWO kids of my own. What I had been planning on for months and months (and a lifetime really) was taken away from me in an instant. I needed that hope back. So, after waiting 3 LONG months (my doctor said I needed to wait that long to let my body recover) we were able to try again. During those 3 months I signed up for the EAGER study. The EAGER study is study for women who have had a pregnancy loss and want to get pregnant again. They are currently studying the effects of baby aspirin on reproduction. If you participate in the study they equip you with an ovulation predictor kit, pregnancy tests, folic acid, a free ultrasound, and money for time and travel. Everything that was included was all for our benefit. Using the ovulation kit we got pregnant in the first month we tried. At first I thought I wasn't pregnant and I was heartbroken. I got a (very) small taste of women who struggle getting pregnant and it was awful.

I found out I was pregnant on August 20, 2010. We were leaving for a camping trip that day. When we got to the campground Carter was collecting rocks. So, I got a sharpie and wrote on one of the rocks "Mommy is Pregnant" and put a smiley face on the other side. I told Carter to go show daddy his rock. Mark saw the smiley face and said, "That's nice!" while giving me a look like, Alison you are a dork. He then put the rock down and went back to what he was doing. Figures! (Last time when I told him I was pregnant with Bridger Carter was wearing a shirt that said I'm the Big Brother. I think he could have worn it all day and Mark wouldn't have noticed!) So, I had to tell him to check out the other side. Since I had thought I wasn't pregnant he kept asking me if I was serious. When I told him yes, and that I had just found out that day he started to cry. He said he missed Bridger - which is how we both felt. We hugged and started our new journey of hope.

Bridger is going to be a big brother!

Due in the amazing month of May!

I am so happy that Bridger is taking care of our little baby. 

I just hope and pray that this little one gets to stay with us this time... 

Bridger's Scrapbook

My sweet friend Heather designed these pages for Bridger's scrapbook. It was then printed into a book. I love it and look at all of the time. Thank you Heather. P.S. Not all of the pictures would show up, but I am working on that...

Bridger's Scrapbook

Click here to view these pictures larger

I Wish...

It is 11:30 at night. I often think of Bridger at night when there is peace in the house (although Carter is still not asleep and is banging on his crib at the moment..). Anyway, I decided to watch Bridger's slideshow that NILMDS provided, and of course I couldn't help but bawl my eyes out. Bridger was such a gorgeous baby! He looked so much like Carter - I couldn't believe it. That makes it extra hard to look at his pictures too because I think of both of my boys. I also couldn't help thinking how unfair life is.

I WISH he were here! I wish I was holding my 3 month old little baby. I wish I could see Carter hold his baby brother. I wish that I could hold my own baby instead of everyone else's. I wish I didn't feel the void that is constant in my life and in our family. I wish I didn't stay up until late hours in the morning researching...I wish I didn't have to worry about what people thought, or make sure I don't make them uncomfortable. I wish I didn't have to wonder..  I wish this didn't have to happen to anyone, ever!

Who knew you could have a child who is too perfect? It reminds me of the perfection that Christ exemplified. Although he took a different journey, my Bridger is as perfect as Christ was in this life. He was a sacrifice so that he could fulfill a mission for Heavenly Father - and maybe for us too. We, like God, lost a son. The perspective of the atonement, plan of salvation, and God's love for us has increased ten-fold for me. I always believed it, but now I REALLY believe and have more understanding and appreciation. Thank goodness for the gospel in our life. Although tonight was hard, it would have been unbearable without the knowledge that I will see my little boy again. He is already in God's highest kingdom and that is a great feeling. I have a lot to live up to, but I feel that I can do it.

I guess I have already kind of born my testimony, but I just want to say a little bit more. I don't bear it very often and I know I should. I know with all my heart that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the TRUE church. I know that God loves each and every one of us. I know that Christ is our eldest brother and that he went through the ULTIMATE sacrifice to save us. I can't believe I am saying this, but I am grateful for trials. If we had everything handed to us we would not learn and become better people. Losing Bridger was the biggest wake up call for me and I will be a better person because of him. I am grateful for the people that surround me in my life. My husband, my Carter, my family, my friends, and my ward members. I am grateful to the women I have met online that have been through this same trial and have helped me. I am grateful for the temple and the spirit. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

I love you Bridger.

Love,

Mommy

P.S. If you feel like giving me a spiritual hug from wherever you are I wouldn't be opposed :)

This song is dedicated to you Bridger! I have been changed for the better because I knew you!

I was introduced to "Wicked" this weekend by Mark's good friend and his wife (mostly by his wife). Once I heard this song (below) I instantly thought of Bridger. It's perfect, and describes his impact on my life.