It is 11:30 at night. I often think of Bridger at night when there is peace in the house (although Carter is still not asleep and is banging on his crib at the moment..). Anyway, I decided to watch Bridger's slideshow that NILMDS provided, and of course I couldn't help but bawl my eyes out. Bridger was such a gorgeous baby! He looked so much like Carter - I couldn't believe it. That makes it extra hard to look at his pictures too because I think of both of my boys. I also couldn't help thinking how unfair life is.
I WISH he were here! I wish I was holding my 3 month old little baby. I wish I could see Carter hold his baby brother. I wish that I could hold my own baby instead of everyone else's. I wish I didn't feel the void that is constant in my life and in our family. I wish I didn't stay up until late hours in the morning researching...I wish I didn't have to worry about what people thought, or make sure I don't make them uncomfortable. I wish I didn't have to wonder.. I wish this didn't have to happen to anyone, ever!
Who knew you could have a child who is too perfect? It reminds me of the perfection that Christ exemplified. Although he took a different journey, my Bridger is as perfect as Christ was in this life. He was a sacrifice so that he could fulfill a mission for Heavenly Father - and maybe for us too. We, like God, lost a son. The perspective of the atonement, plan of salvation, and God's love for us has increased ten-fold for me. I always believed it, but now I REALLY believe and have more understanding and appreciation. Thank goodness for the gospel in our life. Although tonight was hard, it would have been unbearable without the knowledge that I will see my little boy again. He is already in God's highest kingdom and that is a great feeling. I have a lot to live up to, but I feel that I can do it.
I guess I have already kind of born my testimony, but I just want to say a little bit more. I don't bear it very often and I know I should. I know with all my heart that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the TRUE church. I know that God loves each and every one of us. I know that Christ is our eldest brother and that he went through the ULTIMATE sacrifice to save us. I can't believe I am saying this, but I am grateful for trials. If we had everything handed to us we would not learn and become better people. Losing Bridger was the biggest wake up call for me and I will be a better person because of him. I am grateful for the people that surround me in my life. My husband, my Carter, my family, my friends, and my ward members. I am grateful to the women I have met online that have been through this same trial and have helped me. I am grateful for the temple and the spirit. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
I love you Bridger.
Love,
Mommy
P.S. If you feel like giving me a spiritual hug from wherever you are I wouldn't be opposed :)
Grief vs. Mourning
4 years ago
I remember all those emotions/feelings and almost 2 years later still feel them. Its so hard not to wonder what others think of us "angel mommies" it was one of the hardest things I had to get over and well, still struggle with. I had someone tell me they thought it was weird and not necessary to have a blog about my baby that isn't alive. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I was so mad, who has a right to tell me what is right? I am so glad I had/have a blog it was one of the biggest things that helped me through it. So write and say what you want, you are grieving and deserve to love and miss your baby. I am so sorry. I hope he gives you a big hug today!!!!
ReplyDeleteWow you are amazing! Seriously so neat to see you say you're grateful for trials! thanks for sharing your testimony. You make me want to be a better person.
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