Dream

I had a dream last night... It wasn't really the best dream but I wanted to document it. I had a dream that one day when I was 36 weeks pregnant (during this pregnancy), I didn't feel the baby move very much. So I went to the ER at the hospital and I was preparing myself for them to tell me they couldn't find a heartbeat. I was crying, and then they told me that the baby's heart was beating but was very faint. I cried a lot of tears of relief when they told me that. Then they said I needed an emergency C-Section immediately. They got me prepped and the doctor on call (a stranger) did my C-Section and delivered my baby. I hadn't known if it were a girl or boy at this point and it was a little boy. He had plenty of blonde hair and was tiny, but healthy. My baby had lived.

I sure hope this isn't a preview of things to come. I mean, at least my baby lives and is a cute little boy but I sure hope that we don't have to go through a scare like this. I think it is weird that I had a dream like this but it obviously shows how much I am constantly worrying about this baby. Even subconsciously too I guess. This is the first dream I have every had with any of my kids that had the sex of my baby while pregnant. Maybe this dream was telling me I am going to have a little boy again... he was SO cute and I wish that sweet baby from my dream was here with me right now. But alas, I will have to wait six more months. Six more months to find out how the dream really ends.

I can't believe it has been almost 6 months...

I can't believe it has been almost 6 months since we said hello and goodbye to our sweet little son. It seems like it was a long time ago, yet I can relive the experience at any moment like it happened yesterday. I think about Bridger every single day. Being pregnant has kept me out of the mood to update my blogs, but sometimes I just have to do something tangible to express my love for Bridger. So here is a post today to let him know I love him and am always thinking about him.

Immediately after we lost Bridger I knew I wanted and NEEDED to have another baby soon. I have always loved babies and kids and was so excited to have TWO kids of my own. What I had been planning on for months and months (and a lifetime really) was taken away from me in an instant. I needed that hope back. So, after waiting 3 LONG months (my doctor said I needed to wait that long to let my body recover) we were able to try again. During those 3 months I signed up for the EAGER study. The EAGER study is study for women who have had a pregnancy loss and want to get pregnant again. They are currently studying the effects of baby aspirin on reproduction. If you participate in the study they equip you with an ovulation predictor kit, pregnancy tests, folic acid, a free ultrasound, and money for time and travel. Everything that was included was all for our benefit. Using the ovulation kit we got pregnant in the first month we tried. At first I thought I wasn't pregnant and I was heartbroken. I got a (very) small taste of women who struggle getting pregnant and it was awful.

I found out I was pregnant on August 20, 2010. We were leaving for a camping trip that day. When we got to the campground Carter was collecting rocks. So, I got a sharpie and wrote on one of the rocks "Mommy is Pregnant" and put a smiley face on the other side. I told Carter to go show daddy his rock. Mark saw the smiley face and said, "That's nice!" while giving me a look like, Alison you are a dork. He then put the rock down and went back to what he was doing. Figures! (Last time when I told him I was pregnant with Bridger Carter was wearing a shirt that said I'm the Big Brother. I think he could have worn it all day and Mark wouldn't have noticed!) So, I had to tell him to check out the other side. Since I had thought I wasn't pregnant he kept asking me if I was serious. When I told him yes, and that I had just found out that day he started to cry. He said he missed Bridger - which is how we both felt. We hugged and started our new journey of hope.