Dear Bridger

Sweet Bridger,

I know you have been near.. but I have felt guilty for neglecting your blog. I know that you know I have thought of you every single day since my last post around Christmas. I have wanted to write but I always want to write something so special and I am in a hurry, forget, or too tired to put in the extra effort it takes to make it a "special post." But it is time.

Can you believe it has been a year? We celebrated your birthday back in May. I hope you enjoyed your decorations. We helped you enjoy your cake :). It was a sad, rainy day on the 17th. I couldn't help but think about what kind of party we would have had for you or if you would have made a mess of your cake or not even want to touch it like your brother did. I can't help but think of you looking up to Carter and following him around to eventually become his partner in crime. Even though I know you are in a better place, I still can't help but wish you were here. It has been THE HARDEST year of my life. I have never cried so much, but I have also never relied on the spirit, Heavenly Father, or my testimony as much as I have this last year.

You are now a big brother!!! I know that you know that because I have felt you near us since Paige has been here. When she laughs in her sleep I feel that it is you making her laugh. You were there when she was born, bringing her to us safely. What a special thing it was to deliver her in the room you were delivered in. That room is home to two of our most sacred experiences. I will never forget the moment when they placed Paige on my stomach and I heard her cry. I lost it. I was bursting with happiness, yet sad thinking of you.

Shortly after your birthday and Memorial Day our dear friends lost their baby Brigham. Maybe you have met him... The timing of his passing was really hard for me. I was already missing you so incredibly much because of the reminder of your birthday. The day he passed I relived all of the emotions that I did when I found out you weren't staying with us. It has been rough and my heart just aches for them. I know how much it hurts to miss your little boy.

I wanted to talk about all of the butterflies I have been seeing. On another angel babies' family blog the mom talks about how butterflies are a symbol of death or someone's passing. She said that at the hospital they put a paper butterfly on the bedroom doors of patients that they know aren't going to make it. It is a code for the hospital employees. I have started looking at butterflies in a different way since reading this. The mom on the blog calls them "Wyatt moments" when she or her family sees a butterfly and they feel their little boy near when these moments happen. I feel the same way. It seems like when there are times we should all be together a butterfly shows up and flutters by. It is like it is you saying, "Don't worry mom. I'm fine. I love you." There was a butterfly at the park on the day of Paige's blessing, there was a beautiful yellow one just yesterday on our tree in the backyard, there was one outside the other day when Carter was playing in the water, and there was one at the zoo. There have been other times besides those too but I can't remember them all. I love those moments because I feel you near and I am able to step back from whatever I am doing and think of you.

I need to go to bed.. I haven't been able to turn my mind off tonight. But I want to start writing down my thoughts more. I hope that Wyatt's mom doesn't mind but I want to start recording "Bridger moments" that I have. So plan on those in the near future. I love you Bridger! I know you love me too. Take care :)

Mommy

My 3 kids :)