Gone Too Soon

In Memory of our baby Bridger

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Hard Days - Today was one of them...

There are some days that I consider "The Hard Days." These are days that I know I am going to have to face that are hard because of losing Bridger. One of those days was the day/weekend that Bridger would have been born. I was going to be induced a week early so that was the day (June 4th or 5th) that I planned on having him. Another hard day was my birthday (June 17th) because that was the one month mark of his delivery. The first Monday after he was born was a hard day because I remembered exactly what I was doing at the same time just a week before. His actual due date (June 11th) was hard because I knew that he probably would have been with me by then.

Today was another hard day. It was my postpartum checkup. My Dr. and the staff were all incredibly nice to me. But the last time I went into that office is when I found out Bridger would not be staying with us. I thought that I would be ok but as soon as my Dr. walked in I started crying. He asked how I was doing and then told me they had received the pathology report back. I can't remember the technical term he told me for the kink in the cord, but he did tell me that the spot where the kink was contained little or no Wharton's Jelly. I had never heard about Wharton's Jelly until I started doing research on umbilical cord deaths. Here is the description of what it is:


Wharton's jelly is a specialized tissue serving many purposes for the developing fetus. Its specialized cells contain gelatin-like mucus that encase fibers. These properties give it an elastic and cushion effect, which can tolerate the vibration, bending, stretching and twisting of an active fetus. In addition, it holds the vessels together, may regulate blood flow, plays a role in providing nutrition to the fetus, stores chemistry for the onset of labor, and protects the supply line.
Umbilical cords without much Wharton's jelly are more prone to compression, and complete absence is usually associated with fetal death. If an umbilical cord is twisted or knotted, it is more likely to tighten where there is less resistance, such as an area low in Wharton's jelly.
It is believed that males have more Wharton's jelly content than do females and that good nutrition increases the amount. Wharton's jelly tends to reduce with gestational age and can disappear when pregnancies go beyond 40 weeks. Because these cases tend to have fetal heart rate changes, the level of Wharton's jelly is a consideration when obstetricians plan the deliveries of pregnancies low on amniotic fluid.

One part that struck me when reading this was that good nutrition increases the amount of Wharton's Jelly. So you can bet that with my next pregnancy I am probably going to be the annoying pregnant girl that won't eat any junk or treats! My Dr. also said that he thinks that this was fluke and that the chances of it happening again are very slim. That was comforting to hear. He also said that we might start doing the non-stress tests sooner and that I could go in and get a non-stress test done anytime I want. They will probably be so sick of seeing me! He also told me that the last time he had to deliver a stillborn baby was 19 years ago. Statistically they say that about 1 in every 300ish pregnancies ends with a stillbirth. So statistically speaking whatever my Dr. has been doing has been beating the odds. I have full trust and faith in him and know that he would have done anything he could have. I honestly believe it was Bridger's time to go. He has an important mission to serve. If he hadn't have left us this way he probably would have gone another way. 


After talking to my Dr. he gave me a teddy bear with Bridger's birth information on the back. He gives one to all of the babies he delivers. Carter and both of my brothers have one. I am so glad he did that. I love it. Any evidence I have of Bridger makes him that much more real and "alive" to me. 






Well, to end on my hard days post... other hard days are coming up. It is a hard day when I see friends having their babies that were due around the same time as me. I am REALLY happy for them. And even though I know it will be hard I even want to hold their newborn baby. I was looking forward to holding a newborn baby and I still want to. So, we will see how that goes. One more thing... and I know that many other friends have felt this same way at some point. It seems like everyone I know is pregnant! Or everywhere I look there is a pregnant woman! Holy Moly! Do we live in Utah or what?! I really am so happy for everyone that is expecting. It is just a constant reminder. I am sure my time will come again when I will be another one of those pregnant women! :o)

Monday, June 28, 2010

Just wanted to tell you I love you!

Hello sweet little Bridger,

We have been really busy lately. I wish you were here with us. We recently went to Disneyland to try and take our minds off things and have a little fun because things have been so hard lately. It worked for the most part except when I saw other babies and even saw a baby in an outfit identical to one I had boughten you. There was also a part on the World of Colors show that showed moms with their babies. I started crying. Not only did I want to hold you but we also shouldn't have been in Disneyland. We should have been at home with you. This is so hard! One thing that has been kind of nice is uncle Colby gave me a homemade doll that a lady in his mission made by hand. It also has a little blanket with it that has Bridger Gary Jenkins sewn onto it. I love it. It is a physical reminder you.  I can hold it in my arms that have been longing to hold you for so long. It's not the same as really holding you but it helps a little. I have also been visiting you a lot this week because I keep hoping they will put the temporary graveside marker in. But no luck yet. Please know that even though it is unmarked we are thinking about you, loving you, and visiting you. We love you!

Love always,

Mommy

Monday, June 7, 2010

"I WOULD LIKE YOU TO MEET MY BEST FRIEND. HIS NAME IS GRIEF. WE MET EACH OTHER UNEXPECTEDLY AND BECAME FRIENDS INSTANTLY. HE FOLLOWS ME WHEREVER I GO. WHEN I GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT HE TUCKS ME IN AND WHISPERS IN MY EAR, "I'LL SEE YOU IN THE MORNING." WHEN I AWAKE SURELY HE HAS HELD TRUE TO HIS PROMISE AND GREETS ME WITH A FROWN. HE FROWNS BECAUSE HE IS SAD HE HAD TO MEET ME. HE IS THE MOST LOYAL FRIEND IN THE WORLD. YOU CAN FORGET HIM FOR A WHILE AND NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT HIM AND HE IS WILLING TO RETURN AT THE DROP OF A DIME. GRIEF IS UNSELFISH THOUGH. WHEN OTHER FRIENDS ARE AROUND, HE TAKES A BACK SEAT. HE IS QUIETED BY THE CHATTERING OF MY OTHER FRIENDS. IT'S NICE TO HAVE A BREAK FROM HIM. SOMETIMES HE'S UNRELENTING AND CAN BE A DRAG. OTHER TIMES I AM GRATEFUL HE'S MY FRIEND BECAUSE WHEN HE'S AROUND I KNOW I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN.

A WHILE BACK HE WAS MY VERY BEST FRIEND. SLOWLY OTHER FRIENDS ARE TAKING HIS PLACE AND HE DOESN'T VISIT AS OFTEN. I HAVE EVEN MADE FRIENDS WITH JOY AGAIN. I THOUGHT I HAD LOST HER FRIENDSHIP FOREVER. JOY IS A GOOD FRIEND TOO. HOPEFULLY ONE DAY I WILL BE ABLE TO BE AS GOOD FRIENDS WITH JOY AS I WAS WITH GRIEF. MAYBE ONE DAY WE CAN ALL BE FRIENDS AND SHARE THE SAME HEART. TO LIVE IN THE JOY OF TODAY, TO REMEMBER THE GRIEF OF YESTERDAY AND TO LOVE ALL OF MY TOMORROWS. WHEN ALL THREE OF US CAN ATTAIN THE SAME HEART, I KNOW OUR NEW BEST FRIEND WILL BE PEACE."


-MICHELLE KRAINICH

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Dear Bridger,

I am sorry that I am so sad in these posts but I miss you so much today! We celebrated your uncle Drew's 18th birthday today. At dinner I had a breakdown because I thought, "We shouldn't be here. We should be at the hospital having or just had Bridger." This weekend has been really hard because this is the weekend you probably would have arrived. I still keep feeling like I am in a nightmare and can't seem to wake up, or I keep wondering when it will end. Also, your dad and I are having a hard time getting along which isn't good for our family. I'm sorry. I know that must make you sad. I will work on that. I just want you to know that I love you and miss you terribly. I know that you are doing well where you are, and that gives me a little bit of comfort. Please keep watching over us.

Love you so much,

Mommy

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Thinking of you...

Dear Bridger,

I have been thinking about you a lot all day. Today I went shopping to several different stores and it seemed that everywhere I looked there was a pregnant mom or newborn baby. I kept thinking, "that should be me," but it's not. I know that you are in a better place and frankly I am somewhat grateful that you don't have to endure life's many trials. Unfortunately, in my selfish way, I miss you SO much and want you here with me! I also looked at all of the things in your closet today. Your grandma Tammy and I bought you so many cute outfits, and I had all of Carter's clothes washed up and ready for you too. I just sat and cried looking at all the things you wouldn't get to use. I feel as though there is a cloud of sadness that keeps looming over my head. I want so badly for it to go away. I want to only think of the positives all of the time, but it is hard. Another thing is that people keep asking me how I am doing. I appreciate their care and thoughtfulness, but I am honestly getting tired of answering that question. I usually just tell them I am doing ok. Which, in the moment I probably am, but altogether I'm not. I'm angry. I'm not angry at any certain person(s) I am just really irritable and angry feeling. I feel like a lot is being suppressed inside me but I don't know what it is. Sadness I guess? I don't know. Anyway, I don't mean to make you sad I just want you to know that I am missing you and love you so much! I hope you are doing well and staying busy with your mission in Heaven. I feel like you are watching over us. Thank you, we need it.

Lots of luvs,

Mommy

Here are some of my favorite outfits we got for you...

I was really looking forward to dressing you and Carter alike...


Wednesday, June 2, 2010

It's been one of those days...

I have started this blog as a place to honor, remember, and show my love to our sweet baby Bridger. I think about him constantly and try to think about all of the positives. However, today was one of those days that I was tired of thinking about all of the positives and just wanted to hold my baby in arms.

We have been trying hard to get back into our routine. It helps me to stay busy and keep my mind occupied. I will be doing ok until things come up that remind me that Bridger is not here with me. For example, today for playgroup we went to the park that we visited the night before Bridger was born. I had told my sister in law at that park that I was worried about not feeling Bridger move very much. It was a sad reminder... I also saw on a friend's blog who was/is due around the same time as me that she only has 8 days left on her countdown. That would have been me too... A friend sent me a message congratulating me on my beautiful little boy and that she was almost done, and wishing to be done with her pregnancy. Although her comment was innocent and I don't think she knows what happened yet, I read it and WISHED that I WAS still pregnant. I also received the bill from the hospital in the mail today. Just one more sad reminder...

I went and visited Bridger's grave because I just wanted to be close to him. I just sat and cried. Yah, it's been one of those days. I miss my little Bridger boy