I have been thinking about you a lot all day. Today I went shopping to several different stores and it seemed that everywhere I looked there was a pregnant mom or newborn baby. I kept thinking, "that should be me," but it's not. I know that you are in a better place and frankly I am somewhat grateful that you don't have to endure life's many trials. Unfortunately, in my selfish way, I miss you SO much and want you here with me! I also looked at all of the things in your closet today. Your grandma Tammy and I bought you so many cute outfits, and I had all of Carter's clothes washed up and ready for you too. I just sat and cried looking at all the things you wouldn't get to use. I feel as though there is a cloud of sadness that keeps looming over my head. I want so badly for it to go away. I want to only think of the positives all of the time, but it is hard. Another thing is that people keep asking me how I am doing. I appreciate their care and thoughtfulness, but I am honestly getting tired of answering that question. I usually just tell them I am doing ok. Which, in the moment I probably am, but altogether I'm not. I'm angry. I'm not angry at any certain person(s) I am just really irritable and angry feeling. I feel like a lot is being suppressed inside me but I don't know what it is. Sadness I guess? I don't know. Anyway, I don't mean to make you sad I just want you to know that I am missing you and love you so much! I hope you are doing well and staying busy with your mission in Heaven. I feel like you are watching over us. Thank you, we need it.
Lots of luvs,
Mommy
Here are some of my favorite outfits we got for you...
I was really looking forward to dressing you and Carter alike...
People ask me how I'm doing all the time at work and it's almost impossible to answer them truthfully. Then some of them, with good intentions, keep telling me what a horrible thing I've been through, and how sad it is, and how sorry they are for me. I appreciate the thought, but I wish they would keep it a thought instead of saying it over and over to me while I'm trying to get through a work day. It's amazing how perspective can change when you go through something tragic. Some people have simply said, It's good to see you again. That is the easiest for me. I'm going to have to be careful in the future when I ask people how they are!
ReplyDelete