Merry Christmas Bridger! Love you little guy!

Carter and I had fun decorating your spot for Christmas! The day was beautiful and you wouldn't have known it was December. Carter gathered a lot of "Maple" leaves (not just leaves, Maples leaves) just for you! I felt like you were right by side and you were just "boys being boys." Please tell Jesus hi from us and let him know that we have been thinking about him too. Two perfect little baby boys.

1st Christmas in Heaven

It has been a rough couple of days. My mom gave me some money to go and get something for Bridger's grave for Christmas because she wasn't going to get a chance for Christmas because of her knee surgery. So, I went to Walgreens because I had seen some cute yard signs in their ad a while back. As I wandered around the store trying to figure out what would be best FOR MY SON'S GRAVE I started to break down. I saw some cute 1st Christmas hats and bibs and realized yet again that our son would not be spending his first Christmas with us. The night that followed and the next day were full of sadness. While browsing through other angel blogs today I found this poem. It helps a little. Even though Bridger will not be spending Christmas with us, he will be spending it with Christ, whom Christmas is really all about. I am grateful for that. If he can't be with me at least he can be with Christ and our Heavenly Father. I am sure he is surrounded with love. Maybe even including his soon to be sister or brother. We love you Bridger! Our Angel...

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees round the world below,
With tiny lights, like heaven’s stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular. Please wipe away your tear,
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can’t compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description to here the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me. I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away… we’re really not apart.
So be happy for my loved ones, you know I hold you dear.
Be glad I’m spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my own undying love.
After all, love is the gift more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as our father said to do.
For I can’t count the blessings or the love he has for each of you.
So have a merry Christmas and wipe away your tears.
Remember I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
Author unknown

Dream

I had a dream last night... It wasn't really the best dream but I wanted to document it. I had a dream that one day when I was 36 weeks pregnant (during this pregnancy), I didn't feel the baby move very much. So I went to the ER at the hospital and I was preparing myself for them to tell me they couldn't find a heartbeat. I was crying, and then they told me that the baby's heart was beating but was very faint. I cried a lot of tears of relief when they told me that. Then they said I needed an emergency C-Section immediately. They got me prepped and the doctor on call (a stranger) did my C-Section and delivered my baby. I hadn't known if it were a girl or boy at this point and it was a little boy. He had plenty of blonde hair and was tiny, but healthy. My baby had lived.

I sure hope this isn't a preview of things to come. I mean, at least my baby lives and is a cute little boy but I sure hope that we don't have to go through a scare like this. I think it is weird that I had a dream like this but it obviously shows how much I am constantly worrying about this baby. Even subconsciously too I guess. This is the first dream I have every had with any of my kids that had the sex of my baby while pregnant. Maybe this dream was telling me I am going to have a little boy again... he was SO cute and I wish that sweet baby from my dream was here with me right now. But alas, I will have to wait six more months. Six more months to find out how the dream really ends.

I can't believe it has been almost 6 months...

I can't believe it has been almost 6 months since we said hello and goodbye to our sweet little son. It seems like it was a long time ago, yet I can relive the experience at any moment like it happened yesterday. I think about Bridger every single day. Being pregnant has kept me out of the mood to update my blogs, but sometimes I just have to do something tangible to express my love for Bridger. So here is a post today to let him know I love him and am always thinking about him.

Immediately after we lost Bridger I knew I wanted and NEEDED to have another baby soon. I have always loved babies and kids and was so excited to have TWO kids of my own. What I had been planning on for months and months (and a lifetime really) was taken away from me in an instant. I needed that hope back. So, after waiting 3 LONG months (my doctor said I needed to wait that long to let my body recover) we were able to try again. During those 3 months I signed up for the EAGER study. The EAGER study is study for women who have had a pregnancy loss and want to get pregnant again. They are currently studying the effects of baby aspirin on reproduction. If you participate in the study they equip you with an ovulation predictor kit, pregnancy tests, folic acid, a free ultrasound, and money for time and travel. Everything that was included was all for our benefit. Using the ovulation kit we got pregnant in the first month we tried. At first I thought I wasn't pregnant and I was heartbroken. I got a (very) small taste of women who struggle getting pregnant and it was awful.

I found out I was pregnant on August 20, 2010. We were leaving for a camping trip that day. When we got to the campground Carter was collecting rocks. So, I got a sharpie and wrote on one of the rocks "Mommy is Pregnant" and put a smiley face on the other side. I told Carter to go show daddy his rock. Mark saw the smiley face and said, "That's nice!" while giving me a look like, Alison you are a dork. He then put the rock down and went back to what he was doing. Figures! (Last time when I told him I was pregnant with Bridger Carter was wearing a shirt that said I'm the Big Brother. I think he could have worn it all day and Mark wouldn't have noticed!) So, I had to tell him to check out the other side. Since I had thought I wasn't pregnant he kept asking me if I was serious. When I told him yes, and that I had just found out that day he started to cry. He said he missed Bridger - which is how we both felt. We hugged and started our new journey of hope.

Bridger is going to be a big brother!

Due in the amazing month of May!

I am so happy that Bridger is taking care of our little baby. 

I just hope and pray that this little one gets to stay with us this time... 

Bridger's Scrapbook

My sweet friend Heather designed these pages for Bridger's scrapbook. It was then printed into a book. I love it and look at all of the time. Thank you Heather. P.S. Not all of the pictures would show up, but I am working on that...

Bridger's Scrapbook

Click here to view these pictures larger

I Wish...

It is 11:30 at night. I often think of Bridger at night when there is peace in the house (although Carter is still not asleep and is banging on his crib at the moment..). Anyway, I decided to watch Bridger's slideshow that NILMDS provided, and of course I couldn't help but bawl my eyes out. Bridger was such a gorgeous baby! He looked so much like Carter - I couldn't believe it. That makes it extra hard to look at his pictures too because I think of both of my boys. I also couldn't help thinking how unfair life is.

I WISH he were here! I wish I was holding my 3 month old little baby. I wish I could see Carter hold his baby brother. I wish that I could hold my own baby instead of everyone else's. I wish I didn't feel the void that is constant in my life and in our family. I wish I didn't stay up until late hours in the morning researching...I wish I didn't have to worry about what people thought, or make sure I don't make them uncomfortable. I wish I didn't have to wonder..  I wish this didn't have to happen to anyone, ever!

Who knew you could have a child who is too perfect? It reminds me of the perfection that Christ exemplified. Although he took a different journey, my Bridger is as perfect as Christ was in this life. He was a sacrifice so that he could fulfill a mission for Heavenly Father - and maybe for us too. We, like God, lost a son. The perspective of the atonement, plan of salvation, and God's love for us has increased ten-fold for me. I always believed it, but now I REALLY believe and have more understanding and appreciation. Thank goodness for the gospel in our life. Although tonight was hard, it would have been unbearable without the knowledge that I will see my little boy again. He is already in God's highest kingdom and that is a great feeling. I have a lot to live up to, but I feel that I can do it.

I guess I have already kind of born my testimony, but I just want to say a little bit more. I don't bear it very often and I know I should. I know with all my heart that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the TRUE church. I know that God loves each and every one of us. I know that Christ is our eldest brother and that he went through the ULTIMATE sacrifice to save us. I can't believe I am saying this, but I am grateful for trials. If we had everything handed to us we would not learn and become better people. Losing Bridger was the biggest wake up call for me and I will be a better person because of him. I am grateful for the people that surround me in my life. My husband, my Carter, my family, my friends, and my ward members. I am grateful to the women I have met online that have been through this same trial and have helped me. I am grateful for the temple and the spirit. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

I love you Bridger.

Love,

Mommy

P.S. If you feel like giving me a spiritual hug from wherever you are I wouldn't be opposed :)

This song is dedicated to you Bridger! I have been changed for the better because I knew you!

I was introduced to "Wicked" this weekend by Mark's good friend and his wife (mostly by his wife). Once I heard this song (below) I instantly thought of Bridger. It's perfect, and describes his impact on my life.

Kristin Chenoweth: "For Good"

Today I miss you bad

Hi Bridge,

I was lying in bed this morning and I couldn't help but think of you. I wish you were here. I thought of when Carter was born and how much fun it was to have that newborn look at me and smile for the first time. I thought about how you would have taken the crib and Carter would have been kicked out of his bed. (That would have been good for him.) Then I realized that you would still probably be in the bassinet and not in the crib yet. BJ, I miss you horribly. Sometimes I just don't get why God wouldn't let you be here. Your mom and I needed you. God must have known it would kill us. If you ever get the chance to ask God why this had to happen, can you have him send me a message about it? I don't get it sometimes. I don't get why parents have to lose their children.

But then I'm reminded of a Parent who lost his Child so we could all be together again. It was because of love. That is all I have to hang onto. The faith that I'll see you again. I miss you buddy.

Love, Dad

An Angel Never Dies

An Angel Never Dies

Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,

That something stopped my heart

I felt each tender squeeze you gave,

I’ve loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold

It doesn’t mean I’m gone

This world was worthy, not of me

God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,

What you are forced to face

You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,

Someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was meant to be,

God doesn’t make mistakes

But that wont soften your worst blow,

Or make your heart not ache.

I’m watching over all you do,

Another child you’ll bear

Believe me when I say to you,

That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,

When you will hold my hand,

Stroke my face and kiss my lips

And then you’ll understand.

Although I’ve never breathed your air,

Or gazed into your eyes

That doesn’t mean I never was,

An Angel never dies.

Author Unknown

Another Angel Buddy

Well Buddy,

Your dad told me of another little baby that is probably going to join you today. His little heart didn't develop and he isn't suppose to live after he is born. After hearing this I began thinking of you and the day you were born. It makes me sad. Today the weather has been exactly the same as the day you were born. It was nice all day but has later turned grey and cloudy and started to rain. Maybe the rain is Heavenly Father's tears... Although Heavenly Father needs you, I think he also cries for the suffering he sees us going through. It is hard to see your children in pain and I'm sure that it is no exception for him. I am sad, that is for sure, but I am proud of the mission you are fulfilling. I am grateful to know that we have a sweet angel watching over our family. We feel you around us and we love you so much.

Love,

Mommy

I love this quote that a good friend of mine sent me: 


"You've gotta take the good with the bad, smile when you're sad, love what you've got, remember what you had, always forgive and never forget, and live your life with no regrets."


Citation needed. 

You left our arms to be in His....

I want my baby

The Hard Days - Today was one of them...

There are some days that I consider "The Hard Days." These are days that I know I am going to have to face that are hard because of losing Bridger. One of those days was the day/weekend that Bridger would have been born. I was going to be induced a week early so that was the day (June 4th or 5th) that I planned on having him. Another hard day was my birthday (June 17th) because that was the one month mark of his delivery. The first Monday after he was born was a hard day because I remembered exactly what I was doing at the same time just a week before. His actual due date (June 11th) was hard because I knew that he probably would have been with me by then.

Today was another hard day. It was my postpartum checkup. My Dr. and the staff were all incredibly nice to me. But the last time I went into that office is when I found out Bridger would not be staying with us. I thought that I would be ok but as soon as my Dr. walked in I started crying. He asked how I was doing and then told me they had received the pathology report back. I can't remember the technical term he told me for the kink in the cord, but he did tell me that the spot where the kink was contained little or no Wharton's Jelly. I had never heard about Wharton's Jelly until I started doing research on umbilical cord deaths. Here is the description of what it is:


Wharton's jelly is a specialized tissue serving many purposes for the developing fetus. Its specialized cells contain gelatin-like mucus that encase fibers. These properties give it an elastic and cushion effect, which can tolerate the vibration, bending, stretching and twisting of an active fetus. In addition, it holds the vessels together, may regulate blood flow, plays a role in providing nutrition to the fetus, stores chemistry for the onset of labor, and protects the supply line.
Umbilical cords without much Wharton's jelly are more prone to compression, and complete absence is usually associated with fetal death. If an umbilical cord is twisted or knotted, it is more likely to tighten where there is less resistance, such as an area low in Wharton's jelly.
It is believed that males have more Wharton's jelly content than do females and that good nutrition increases the amount. Wharton's jelly tends to reduce with gestational age and can disappear when pregnancies go beyond 40 weeks. Because these cases tend to have fetal heart rate changes, the level of Wharton's jelly is a consideration when obstetricians plan the deliveries of pregnancies low on amniotic fluid.

One part that struck me when reading this was that good nutrition increases the amount of Wharton's Jelly. So you can bet that with my next pregnancy I am probably going to be the annoying pregnant girl that won't eat any junk or treats! My Dr. also said that he thinks that this was fluke and that the chances of it happening again are very slim. That was comforting to hear. He also said that we might start doing the non-stress tests sooner and that I could go in and get a non-stress test done anytime I want. They will probably be so sick of seeing me! He also told me that the last time he had to deliver a stillborn baby was 19 years ago. Statistically they say that about 1 in every 300ish pregnancies ends with a stillbirth. So statistically speaking whatever my Dr. has been doing has been beating the odds. I have full trust and faith in him and know that he would have done anything he could have. I honestly believe it was Bridger's time to go. He has an important mission to serve. If he hadn't have left us this way he probably would have gone another way. 


After talking to my Dr. he gave me a teddy bear with Bridger's birth information on the back. He gives one to all of the babies he delivers. Carter and both of my brothers have one. I am so glad he did that. I love it. Any evidence I have of Bridger makes him that much more real and "alive" to me. 

Well, to end on my hard days post... other hard days are coming up. It is a hard day when I see friends having their babies that were due around the same time as me. I am REALLY happy for them. And even though I know it will be hard I even want to hold their newborn baby. I was looking forward to holding a newborn baby and I still want to. So, we will see how that goes. One more thing... and I know that many other friends have felt this same way at some point. It seems like everyone I know is pregnant! Or everywhere I look there is a pregnant woman! Holy Moly! Do we live in Utah or what?! I really am so happy for everyone that is expecting. It is just a constant reminder. I am sure my time will come again when I will be another one of those pregnant women! :o)

Just wanted to tell you I love you!

Hello sweet little Bridger,

We have been really busy lately. I wish you were here with us. We recently went to Disneyland to try and take our minds off things and have a little fun because things have been so hard lately. It worked for the most part except when I saw other babies and even saw a baby in an outfit identical to one I had boughten you. There was also a part on the World of Colors show that showed moms with their babies. I started crying. Not only did I want to hold you but we also shouldn't have been in Disneyland. We should have been at home with you. This is so hard! One thing that has been kind of nice is uncle Colby gave me a homemade doll that a lady in his mission made by hand. It also has a little blanket with it that has Bridger Gary Jenkins sewn onto it. I love it. It is a physical reminder you.  I can hold it in my arms that have been longing to hold you for so long. It's not the same as really holding you but it helps a little. I have also been visiting you a lot this week because I keep hoping they will put the temporary graveside marker in. But no luck yet. Please know that even though it is unmarked we are thinking about you, loving you, and visiting you. We love you!

Love always,

Mommy

"I WOULD LIKE YOU TO MEET MY BEST FRIEND. HIS NAME IS GRIEF. WE MET EACH OTHER UNEXPECTEDLY AND BECAME FRIENDS INSTANTLY. HE FOLLOWS ME WHEREVER I GO. WHEN I GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT HE TUCKS ME IN AND WHISPERS IN MY EAR, "I'LL SEE YOU IN THE MORNING." WHEN I AWAKE SURELY HE HAS HELD TRUE TO HIS PROMISE AND GREETS ME WITH A FROWN. HE FROWNS BECAUSE HE IS SAD HE HAD TO MEET ME. HE IS THE MOST LOYAL FRIEND IN THE WORLD. YOU CAN FORGET HIM FOR A WHILE AND NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT HIM AND HE IS WILLING TO RETURN AT THE DROP OF A DIME. GRIEF IS UNSELFISH THOUGH. WHEN OTHER FRIENDS ARE AROUND, HE TAKES A BACK SEAT. HE IS QUIETED BY THE CHATTERING OF MY OTHER FRIENDS. IT'S NICE TO HAVE A BREAK FROM HIM. SOMETIMES HE'S UNRELENTING AND CAN BE A DRAG. OTHER TIMES I AM GRATEFUL HE'S MY FRIEND BECAUSE WHEN HE'S AROUND I KNOW I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN.

A WHILE BACK HE WAS MY VERY BEST FRIEND. SLOWLY OTHER FRIENDS ARE TAKING HIS PLACE AND HE DOESN'T VISIT AS OFTEN. I HAVE EVEN MADE FRIENDS WITH JOY AGAIN. I THOUGHT I HAD LOST HER FRIENDSHIP FOREVER. JOY IS A GOOD FRIEND TOO. HOPEFULLY ONE DAY I WILL BE ABLE TO BE AS GOOD FRIENDS WITH JOY AS I WAS WITH GRIEF. MAYBE ONE DAY WE CAN ALL BE FRIENDS AND SHARE THE SAME HEART. TO LIVE IN THE JOY OF TODAY, TO REMEMBER THE GRIEF OF YESTERDAY AND TO LOVE ALL OF MY TOMORROWS. WHEN ALL THREE OF US CAN ATTAIN THE SAME HEART, I KNOW OUR NEW BEST FRIEND WILL BE PEACE."


-MICHELLE KRAINICH

Dear Bridger,

I am sorry that I am so sad in these posts but I miss you so much today! We celebrated your uncle Drew's 18th birthday today. At dinner I had a breakdown because I thought, "We shouldn't be here. We should be at the hospital having or just had Bridger." This weekend has been really hard because this is the weekend you probably would have arrived. I still keep feeling like I am in a nightmare and can't seem to wake up, or I keep wondering when it will end. Also, your dad and I are having a hard time getting along which isn't good for our family. I'm sorry. I know that must make you sad. I will work on that. I just want you to know that I love you and miss you terribly. I know that you are doing well where you are, and that gives me a little bit of comfort. Please keep watching over us.

Love you so much,

Mommy

Thinking of you...

Dear Bridger,

I have been thinking about you a lot all day. Today I went shopping to several different stores and it seemed that everywhere I looked there was a pregnant mom or newborn baby. I kept thinking, "that should be me," but it's not. I know that you are in a better place and frankly I am somewhat grateful that you don't have to endure life's many trials. Unfortunately, in my selfish way, I miss you SO much and want you here with me! I also looked at all of the things in your closet today. Your grandma Tammy and I bought you so many cute outfits, and I had all of Carter's clothes washed up and ready for you too. I just sat and cried looking at all the things you wouldn't get to use. I feel as though there is a cloud of sadness that keeps looming over my head. I want so badly for it to go away. I want to only think of the positives all of the time, but it is hard. Another thing is that people keep asking me how I am doing. I appreciate their care and thoughtfulness, but I am honestly getting tired of answering that question. I usually just tell them I am doing ok. Which, in the moment I probably am, but altogether I'm not. I'm angry. I'm not angry at any certain person(s) I am just really irritable and angry feeling. I feel like a lot is being suppressed inside me but I don't know what it is. Sadness I guess? I don't know. Anyway, I don't mean to make you sad I just want you to know that I am missing you and love you so much! I hope you are doing well and staying busy with your mission in Heaven. I feel like you are watching over us. Thank you, we need it.

Lots of luvs,

Mommy

Here are some of my favorite outfits we got for you...

I was really looking forward to dressing you and Carter alike...

It's been one of those days...

I have started this blog as a place to honor, remember, and show my love to our sweet baby Bridger. I think about him constantly and try to think about all of the positives. However, today was one of those days that I was tired of thinking about all of the positives and just wanted to hold my baby in arms.

We have been trying hard to get back into our routine. It helps me to stay busy and keep my mind occupied. I will be doing ok until things come up that remind me that Bridger is not here with me. For example, today for playgroup we went to the park that we visited the night before Bridger was born. I had told my sister in law at that park that I was worried about not feeling Bridger move very much. It was a sad reminder... I also saw on a friend's blog who was/is due around the same time as me that she only has 8 days left on her countdown. That would have been me too... A friend sent me a message congratulating me on my beautiful little boy and that she was almost done, and wishing to be done with her pregnancy. Although her comment was innocent and I don't think she knows what happened yet, I read it and WISHED that I WAS still pregnant. I also received the bill from the hospital in the mail today. Just one more sad reminder...

I went and visited Bridger's grave because I just wanted to be close to him. I just sat and cried. Yah, it's been one of those days. I miss my little Bridger boy